rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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