I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
