yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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