I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
