Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
