WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
