My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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