Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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