the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
