that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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