1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
