Midget sex pt 2 tonight
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
