I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
