I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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