She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
