i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
