Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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