I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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