Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
