I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
