margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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