dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
