Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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