the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
