You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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