she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
