I think scott just propositioned me for sex
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
