I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
