I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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