that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
