mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
