if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
