How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
