we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
