The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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