Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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