I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Randomize
