He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
