If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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