i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
