My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
