I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
