Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
