I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
