I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
