my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
