Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
