You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I believe in your delicious
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
