Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
