Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
