The maid of honor just puked.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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